Before I realized I was likely autistic, I thought I was just really good at pretending to be fine. I thought exhaustion, burnout, and emotional shutdowns were just part of being a mom, especially one with a million responsibilities.
Turns out, I wasn’t just tired from life—I was tired from masking.
🎭 What Is Masking?
Masking is when neurodivergent people (especially autistic individuals) hide or suppress their natural responses in order to appear “neurotypical.” It’s a social survival strategy—and while it can help us fit in, it comes at a massive cost.
For women, especially moms, masking often starts early and becomes second nature. By the time we reach adulthood, it’s not just a mask—it’s a second skin.
We learn to mimic. To blend in. To silence ourselves.
All to avoid being seen as “too much,” “too sensitive,” “too weird,” or “too emotional.”
🧠 What Masking Looks Like in Moms
Here are just a few ways masking has shown up in my life—and maybe in yours, too:
💬 Social scripting
Before any conversation (even casual ones), I mentally rehearse what I’m going to say. I’ve memorized phrases and responses that sound “normal,” even if I’m anxious or confused inside.
😊 Forced facial expressions and tone
I smile even when I’m overstimulated. I adjust my tone so I don’t sound “blunt.” I laugh when I don’t get the joke, just to keep things moving.
😵💫 Pretending I have it together—when inside, I’m drowning in clutter
I don’t have a Pinterest-worthy home. In fact, the mess often overwhelms me so much that I get stuck. I know what needs to be done, but the steps feel tangled in my head. The clutter becomes noise, and instead of cleaning, I shut down. But I still try to appear like I’m managing it all because that’s what I think I’m supposed to do.
🧍♀️Mimicking body language
I copy how other people stand, gesture, and react in conversations—because I’ve never fully trusted that my instincts are “right.”
⏳ Delayed meltdowns or shutdowns
I keep it all in until I’m alone. Then I cry in the bathroom, go nonverbal, or completely withdraw. Because I’ve spent all day performing.
😐 Suppressing sensory issues
Bright lights, scratchy fabrics, noise, smells—I grit my teeth and power through them, because moms don’t “get to” be sensitive, right?
😵 Why It’s So Draining
Masking takes a mental toll that most people never see. It’s not just “being polite” or “playing nice.” It’s constant internal calculations:
- How should I respond to this?
- Is that the right tone?
- Are they mad at me?
- Did I sound weird?
- Am I making too much eye contact? Not enough?
It’s a full-time job that no one even knows you’re doing. And when you’re also parenting, managing a household, and working or running a business? That level of masking becomes unsustainable.
🔄 What Happens When the Mask Slips?
For me, masking worked… until it didn’t.
I hit a wall. I burned out. I started forgetting things, zoning out, feeling numb. I wasn’t depressed—I was exhausted from performing. And the more I masked, the less connected I felt to myself, my family, and even my kids.
Recognizing the mask—and learning when to take it off—has been one of the most powerful shifts in my life.
🌱 Giving Myself Permission to Unmask
Here’s how I’ve started to gently peel back the layers:
- I stim when I need to (yes, even in public).
- I excuse myself from loud environments without apologizing.
- I let myself speak in my natural tone—even if it’s blunt or “too direct.”
- I stop pretending to understand everything just to keep conversations smooth.
- I honor my downtime without guilt. I’m still struggling with the guilty part of this one.
And most importantly? I’m showing my kids that they don’t have to perform either. If I want them to feel safe being their true selves, I have to model that myself.
🧡 If You’re Masking Too…
You are not alone. You’re not broken. And you’re not dramatic.
You’ve just been surviving in a world that hasn’t made space for who you really are. But that space exists—and you’re allowed to take up room in it, even if it feels unfamiliar at first.
Unmasking isn’t about giving up.
It’s about coming home to yourself.
juMOMjia 